Some Nigerian Men dont know when to put a stop to their dirty behavior..
A couple of days ago, I went out shopping in town. Since I do not have a car or drive here in the UK, I tend to walk a lot. I take the bus sometimes when the place is too far to walk to. I tried my brother’s bike when I got here but it’s too much of a male design for me so I abandoned it. Riding it is difficult and the area is hilly.
On the day I met Emmah, the Nigerian man who would hurt me in the worst possible way, I went out to get a few items I needed. On my way back, I took a bus and alighted in the area where the shops are clustered. Stores are usually in the same area and houses too are usually in the same area. It’s a major feature of settlements in the West. This means going to the shop involves some distance to the city centre.
I normally walk to the stores using my Google map since I am new to the area. Unfortunately for me, my phone went off and I didn’t know how to find where I live that day. I know where I live but I needed to know how to get there or which bus to take to get home. So I approached a few people to let me use their phones until I found a nice young lady who helped me.
Midway, I realised that I needed to get groceries for the sauce I had intended to make that evening. So instead of dropping at home, I alighted on the way to get the items. The moment I got down, I saw two black African men in a car waving at me. I waved back and realized that they were waiting for me to cross over. So when I did, I said hello to them and we exchanged a few words. They offered to wait for me to finish shopping so that they drop me off at home. I said thanks and said I will be back. To me, I saw fellow African brothers who are nice enough to want to do me a favour, so I agreed (this was my first mistake).
We exchanged numbers upon reaching my house and they left.
The next day, I received a call from one of them; the one who was driving and seem to be the more well-to-do of the two. He said I should come with him to a King ceremony being organized by fellow Nigerians. And I told him that since I don’t know him, it won’t be advisable to go to the program with him. To my surprise, his tone at the other end immediately changed. And that made me pause. I didn’t understand why he will get angry over such a reasonable point. So I asked him why he was talking to me in that manner, made up an excuse and hanged up. I kept wondering what kind of person would assume such a tone simply because his invitation was turned down?
This was the second red light that I ignored.
Fast forward to the Saturday the incident happened, my brother traveled and I was all alone in the house. Although I tried to make plans for myself, all failed.
The only friends I had were my brothers friends. Some had work to do and others had traveled. My Ghanaian friends I could invite over already had their weekend planned. So although I didn’t want to be in a house all by myself, I ended up alone. There was a wedding nearby that my brother and I were invited to by different people. So I decided to go to that wedding. But I didn’t want to go alone. I am new to the area. Going to the wedding reception alone meant sitting all by myself. So I called one of my brother’s female friends. Unfortunately, she had work that evening and was closing late. So she couldn’t go with me.
So imagining how I would be sitting in a midst of strangers alone glancing left, right and centre, I decided not to go to the wedding anymore. So I called Emmah- the one I am writing about – and told him that I will go with him to the outdooring party he invited me to. Although my conscience kept screaming NO NO NO in my head, I simply countered it by telling myself “how would I know people and how things are done around here if I don’t go out? Moreover, I really don’t want to be alone this evening.”
He said he would pick me up at 4pm. The 4pm became 4:30 pm and the 4:30 pm became 5pm. He showed up at 5 something. Inside my head, I knew I was making a mistake. A man who doesn’t respect time is a red sign. So if he is rude and doesn’t respect time or keep his word, those are things to actually take a clue from. But I didn’t. Or I did but refused to listed to my own advice. So I went to the program with him.
The moment I got into his car, he said he was now going to change. I said “ah, are you not coming from home?” He said yes, but he is in the middle of moving from his home. Inside my head, I knew he was lying but it was none of my business so I kept my thoughts to myself. He didn’t know that I knew guys who live at shabby places take their “brothers’” nice apartments to take girls to. I haven’t had any relationship talk with him whatsoever, I had no intention of sleeping with him (he isn’t my taste even slightly) and I knew I wasn’t in a position to be impressed (wasnt interested). So, I minded my business.
After he changed and we were on our way again, this time round to the place we were going, we started chatting a bit. That was necessary because he didn’t know a thing about me and I didn’t know him either. During our conversation, I realized that he has a partner and two beautiful kids. Yet they were not enough for him so he thought he could lie his way into my panties (he obviously didn’t know who was sitting beside him. I will later learn from friends that he is in the habit of approaching women and when they refuse his advances, he gets angry and misbehave).
Funny how many men assume the only thing they could have with you is sex when they meet you. He lives with his wife and kids. That’s why he couldn’t change at home. I took the opportunity to informed him that I was not interested in sleeping with him. I thought that would be enough to stop his advances but it didn’t. He proceeded to ensure that each statement he made came with touching my thighs. That made me extremely uncomfortable and I asked him to stop more than four times. But he wouldn’t.
This guy kept touching my legs. The women here understand what I am saying. It is something pervasive old men especially do to young women they give lifts to. It used to happen to me a lot in Ghana so I know what exactly it is. It is sexual harassment and should never be tolerated. I finally said don’t touch my leg with a bit of anger in my voice with glaring eyes. Because by that time, I was actually getting angry.
Thankfully, we finally arrived at the party and I didn’t have to deal with his harassment anymore. When we arrived, he asked one of his friends to come and meet us outside. He delayed while his friend took me inside and sat me down at a different table. Of course, once again, I understood perfectly what was going on. Since he has a partner and the crowd we were joining – a Nigerian gathering – knew his partner, he couldn’t be seen walking with me into the program or sitting at the same table with me. Since I didn’t intend to sleep with a “married” man like him, I didn’t mind.
I loved the table I joined. An awesome man and his beautiful wife with their lovely twin kids and some really fine gentlemen. The program was lovely. The biggest African gathering I have ever seen abroad. I could not believe that so many Nigerians lived in the area. And that’s not all. They said whatever I was seeing was not even 10% of the population in the area. Wow. I was happy to come out in spite of all the troubles. After about three hours, my new Nigerian friend said we should leave. So I said bye bye to my newer friends, exchanged Facebook names with them and entered the car not knowing that I was in for the biggest shock of my life!
This guy, this uncouth beast of man, this bloated bread on water decided to do the worst! He started shouting at me in the car. He waited till he drove away from everyone and started shouting. Shouting oooo. Hmmmmm. I couldn’t even believe it. He said how dare me give my phone number to men at a party that he brought me to. Ehhh! Someone who hasn’t had any sexual transaction with me, someone I even told on the way that I have a partner, someone who I am not a girlfriend or wife to oooo. I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears. He said because I gave my number to men at the party (which I didn’t even do but that doesn’t matter), I should get down from his car and find my way home. A place where I don’t know anyone, not to talk of knowing the road or where I was oooo. In the middle of no where. My brother had traveled. My brother’s closest friend too had traveled. There was no one for me to call to come for me. So I insisted that he took me from my home and needed to return me to where he picked me from. Or better still, drop me off at a bus stop or police station.
This guy was violent. I had to call the police. And that call is one of the hardest calls I have made in my life. I couldn’t tell the police where I was. When I finally found something on my Google map, this guy started driving off again. He drove into the road and there were no signs for me to tell the police where I was.
Anytime they send a signal to my phone to find me via location, my phone refused to work with the link. The security features refused to give the police access to my location (I will check that out later). Ehhhh it was a nightmare. Whenever I tried to read a road sign to the police over the phone, he will increase the volume in the car. I will in turn decrease it and he will increase it again. It became a fight. He wouldn’t stop the car to let me down. Hmmmmm
Everything was my mistake. The police asked me how did I get into the car. I told them I got into the car willingly. He invited me to a program. They asked where did I know him from. I said I met him on the road. They asked how long have I known him, I said for about three days. They said I should tell them the car I was sitting in. I said I didn’t know the car brand or name. They asked for the car number, I didn’t know that one either. Ehhh! Me a student and an activist oooo.
I was the one who placed myself in that situation although all my instincts advised against it. The police asked him to stop the car. He refused to stop. He drove as long as he wanted and finally agreed to drop me in the middle of no where. I could only see bushes. Hmmmmm.
I waited in the cold and the police stayed with me on the phone. Thinking about it now, what if my phone didn’t have battery and what if I didn’t put the phone on battery saver? Two police vehicles finally came and the police on the phone disconnected. I was asked for details of everything that happened and taken home. The police came with me to check the locks etc to see if I would be safe. The guy had threatened that he was going to show me because I disrespected him in front of everyone. He pig said no one disrespects him so he would do something terrible to me. This person who didn’t pay my bride price oooo. He was so angry that he threatened my life… for disrespecting him. Hmmmmmm
I am safe and sound. But my mind keeps playing everything back. How did I put myself in that situation and how could such a thing happen? Would a Ghanaian man live me in the middle of no where because I gave my phone number to men at a party he took me too? These are just questions that keep running through my mind. Would I have been in that situation if I was more careful? I trusted him because I thought we are all African but that was a huge mistake. Very huge mistake.
PS: Sharing this story is my small way of ensuring that other women do not experience the same thing. I have also started a campaign to create more awareness in the area. In case you live in the Dorset Area in the UK, please avoid this guy. He drives a Mazda CX-5 and his phone number is 07938391***.