Should I Tell My Fiancé I Know The Secret He Has Been Hiding From Me?

I started following this page when I met a Ghanaian I thought I would marry. I wanted to familiarize myself with how romantic relationships work in Ghana, so I would know how my future in-laws would treat me. Let’s just say I came to understand that the guy was a waste of time. He hid the fact that he was married with two children from me. Yes, it was a whole mess but I am glad he led me to this place.

After him, I met Amara. He has been nothing short of an amazing boyfriend. In the past three years we’ve been together he has proven to be the best man for me. Through our ups and downs, we have come to understand that we will always find our way back to each other. We’ve ridden many storms that were meant to tear us apart and made it out as conquerors. We’ve gotten to a place where we are preparing for marriage. If all our plans fall into place, we will be married before the year ends.

I come from a very close-knit family. We share everything. If there’s good news, they are the first I call. If there is bad news, I fall on them for comfort. When there’s conflict in the family, we have difficult conversations and address the issues head-on. That’s how I was taught a family should be. That’s why I was concerned when I met my fiancé’s family. I noticed there was a disconnect when it came to their closeness.

I couldn’t sense the parent-child bond between them. When it came to communication, it was poor, in my opinion. While my family likes to hash out issues, his family likes to go hush-hush on issues. They would rather hide their heads in the sand than speak openly. They live a comfortable life. Amara said he didn’t lack anything growing up. However, I just felt something was slightly off. Trust me, I didn’t go asking questions. Neither did I attempt to poke my nose where it didn’t belong.

I was having a conversation with one of his relatives when the truth slipped out. This person first asked me, “Has your boyfriend told you how his parents died?” I was confused, “Are you referring to someone else? Because I already met Amara’s parents.” The person then said, “No, I meant his biological parents.” Sensing my confusion, they responded; “If he hasn’t told you then it’s not my business to talk about it.”

When she realized she had already started and there was no point in stopping, she swore me to secrecy. “I don’t want to look like a bad person if they find out you know already. The truth is, that he lost both parents when he was one year old. His mother’s sister who was struggling with fertility issues stepped up and became his new mother. Eventually, she and her husband officially adopted him. They don’t like to talk about it so don’t let them know you know.” It all made sense immediately. The emotional disconnect and everything in between.

I have been hoarding that secret for the past two years. My relationship with Amara’s mother is good. She tells me all the time that she can’t wait for me to officially become her daughter-in-law. However, she has never let it slip that she doesn’t have any biological child or that she once had a sister who died.

I am convinced she will never mention it to me. And that’s okay. The person I expect to tell me this is my boyfriend. I have hinted at the subject of adoption with him a few times. I was hoping he would take advantage of the opportunity to tell me about his biological parents but he sticks to the story that his aunt is the woman who birthed him.

Now, I am beginning to question his trust in me. I love Amara. The truth of his identity doesn’t change that. I’m just concerned that he doesn’t trust me enough to share this with me. I want to have a family like the one I grew up in. No secrets. Only open conversations. If he doesn’t open up to me about this, a part of me will wonder if he is hiding something else from me. I don’t want to go into the marriage with all these doubts clouding my mind. I want to address the issue but I am not sure if I should.

How will I even bring it up? What if it makes them uncomfortable? A part of me also wants to leave it alone but I am concerned that our customary practices and naming traditions might be affected if his birth name isn’t used. I don’t know the implications but I don’t want anything bad to befall me or my unborn children when that time comes. What do I do? Should I wait until marriage to address it, or I should do it before the marriage happens?