There are three things I told myself that I would never do in my life. Like you’ll give me all the money in this world and I would never do it because, to me, they were the worst sins a woman could ever commit.
I said I would never date a married man. I said I would never do an abortion no matter what and I convinced myself that divorce is not an option. Once I marry, it’s forever. When things get worse, I will pray it away and God will make things work.
These things became my guiding principles in life and I judged my friends who did them harshly. I lost some friends because of that. They told me, “You’ll never understand.” I told them, “I understand but nothing will make me do what you’ve done.”
I got pregnant when I was in my second year the university. It took me by surprise because I thought I was in my safe period. My boyfriend then was my coursemate at the university. I remember calling him at dawn and telling him that I was pregnant. He was so calm about it that it shocked me. I asked, “Why are you not scared? Why are you not surprised or acting jittery?” His answer was, “We are not kids. We know what to do.”
What to do according to him was to get an abortion. I screamed, “Never in my life would I do that. To kill a human being and soil my hands with blood? Never.”
For a week, he took his time with me, narrating all the dangers of having a child at that stage of our lives. “It’s a sin I understand but if you love the child in you, you’ll not like it to suffer. What do you have? What do I have? After school, we’ll have a lot. Why don’t we wait?”
Slowly, I fell for his explanations and accepted that the right thing to do was to abort. Three days after doing it, I was still experiencing pains but that didn’t stop him from telling me it was over. He had gotten what he wanted and saw me as a risk. He discarded me just like that and moved on with his life.
A year later, I was dating a married man. I knew his wife and kids. I would go to his house and play with his kids and help his wife with the house chores.
When he started hitting on me, I never thought of what I told myself while young. I said yes and surrendered to the desires of this man. He provided everything for me and that might have been the reason I was with him. We dated for three years. I didn’t leave him. He did when his wife caught us. It was terrible. There were curses and all. She said, “One day you’ll marry and you’ll understand how it feels to be stabbed in the back.”
What she said has been with me till today. If it happens to me, I may not leave my husband but what if he’s the one who suggests a divorce? Then it means I’ve done all the things I said I would never do. She cursed me and because she said it out of pain, I know it will come to pass.
I’m now running to God. I’m thirty-one and have a man who wants to marry me. I’ve caught him cheating twice and I forgave him. He promised not to do it again but he went back to doing it again. I felt it was my cross to bear. I feel it’s the universe’s way of returning the energy I gave to that woman’s husband. I’m not angry. I’m not disappointed. He’s a good man regardless but I’m scared this will go on after marriage.
So I’m hesitating. I don’t want to marry him now and later end in divorce. I’ve prayed. I’ve confessed my sins to pastors and they’ve assured me God will do exceedingly well in my life so I should take a leap of faith, but the signs are not good.
This man will give me problems, I know. I don’t mind leaving him now and starting all over again but how would I know that indeed I’m forgiven and what I did to that woman won’t happen to me too?
That’s my fear. It’s the reason I can’t sleep at night. I’ve joined midnight prayers and confessed my sins at the altar but I still feel heavy and consistently hear the echo of the woman’s voice anytime I want to make a move; “You’ll one day marry…”
Everything I said I would never do has happened except divorce. I’m pleading to life to be kind to me because if that happens, my life would be in total shambles. Currently, I feel like a failure because of everything I’ve allowed myself to go through. The one thing left that I want to hold on to is the dignity to remain married until death do us part. That too is shaky because the man I’m in love with is bearing the signs of the curse the woman gave me. Where do I go from here?