I’m Married And Love My Wife So Much But I Still Cheat, But That Is Not The Problem- Man Narrates

A few weeks before we got married, I asked Brenda, my wife-to-be; “What one thing would you like me to do always when I become your husband?” She answered, “Come home on time. Always.” I didn’t ask why but in my mind, I said to myself, “If that’s all that she wants then it might be very important to her. I will learn to come home on time every day.” We got married and I always came home on time. I still do because my wife is worth running home to. We’ve been married for four years and have one kid.

When I hear people talking about the troubles their wives bring into their lives, I look up and thank God for the kind of woman he brought into my life. From day one she had been my peace. I’m not saying we’ve never fought. That would have been surprising. I’m saying after the fight, she’s the first person to seek peace. I’m the type who would like to coil and remain pensive after a fight. Brenda will walk up to me and start asking funny questions. If the questions don’t work, she will get me through the kind of food she’ll cook that day. If that also doesn’t work, at night, she’ll creep into my embrace and start playing with my beard. That always works. She knows it and it has become her secret weapon. I liked to be scratched in there and she does it in a way that melts my heart.

A year after marriage, I lost my job. She was then pregnant. I’m trying to tell you the reason why she’s worth every care and love in this world. And in the end, tell you why it hurts me so much that I can’t stop this shameful act of mine. What was I saying? Yeah about the job loss. A man without a job is a desperate man. Especially when the man had had a job before and lost it. I was desperate. I woke up at night thinking of how I was going to live in a house with my wife and not be able to cater for her. “A child is coming,” I told myself, “how are we going to feed the child?” So many questions ran into my mind but my deepest fear was how my wife was going to treat me afterward.

I know the story. I’ve seen it in the movies. I’ve read it in books. Even my father told me about it. That a man who loses his job loses everything. He loses his voice, his power, his charm, and everything that makes him a man. So I was scared. I tiptoed around the house because I didn’t want my wife to hear my footsteps and be reminded of my joblessness. For a whole month, nothing changed around the house. She was still the wife I married. She woke up and did everything she has to do to make the marriage work. Even when everything was going on well, I was still scared, I was waiting for the day she’ll change. I was waiting for the first insult. The first nagging about me not finding a job. I was waiting for the worse but the worse never came.

I was always home in a happy marriage but I couldn’t bring myself to be happy because I was expecting the worse to happen. Day in and day out, she proved me wrong. She gave me money for my upkeep. She never asked anything from me and on my part, I played the submissive husband who will do anything to impress a wife who pays for my livelihood. Our Child was born on Monday. On Wednesday I had a new job offer. It was bigger than the one I lost. The pay was great. The perks were good. I was back to being a man again. I lost my fear. I stopped tiptoeing around the house. I grew wings. I was once again the boss man.

Boss men do what bosses do so I got myself a girlfriend. She was there for the taking so I took advantage and got her. She was a service personnel at my new place. That girl was beautiful. There was something about her that reminded me of my wife. I was in her room one day when her boyfriend came knocking. It was an afternoon. She told me, “That’s my boyfriend. Please let’s act normal.” She never told me she had a boyfriend until that moment. I acted normal. I acted like a relative who had come to visit. The guy was all over the place respecting me and saying ‘please’ to me at every given opportunity. I left her place in one piece. You’ll think that will make me stop seeing her? No, It didn’t stop me. For her punishment, I got another girlfriend.

That girl was intensive. She always wanted me to spend more time with her than I spent with my wife but I’d promised to go home on time so I always did. Not an hour late and not a minute late. I was seeing two girls concurrently but the love I had for my wife was the same. She had given birth and was looking different but that didn’t stop me from loving her the most. I was always at her beck and call. She’s the one I married. The one I vowed to. I wasn’t going to let anything bring us apart.

I had another girlfriend on Facebook. She was someone I knew even before I got married. We met at a program and re-established our friendship. By the time I realized, we were flirting. The next thing I knew, I was on top of her with our clothes lying haphazardly on the floor. She too wanted more of my time but I told her, “I have to be home on time.” She was angry often but she couldn’t do anything about it.

At a point, I had five girlfriends. They all knew I was married. They all knew how to play their roles so they don’t affect my marriage negatively. They knew when to call and when to text. They understood it when I told them I had to be home on time. One night, my wife was on me while the baby was lying beside us. She was running her fingers through my beard just the way I liked it. So I was thinking, “Look at all these blessings I have in my life, why will I go out there and still be chasing other women? One day, I will destroy this beautiful blessing with my own hands and live the rest of my life with regret.” For the first time in a long while, I prayed that night and asked God for forgiveness. I was remorseful and drawn to tears. The following day, I picked up the phone and told all the girls that I couldn’t do it again. When they asked why I told them I’d been caught by my wife and it’s getting messy.”

I thought I was going to remain that remorseful for the rest of my life. Just a week later, I was on the phone talking to these girls and apologizing to them. I lost two of them. The three came back because they knew what I was doing for them. A month or so later, I replaced the two I’d lost. Five. I can’t explain my attachment to the number five but if something is sweet, I will rather have it five times than just once. I was back to my cheating ways. It was tiring but I learned to juggle it in a way that brought me peace.

My wife fell sick. It wasn’t anything serious so she took the normal painkillers whenever the sickness came. Then it got worse. She collapsed in my arms one dawn so I rushed her to the hospital. I was scared. I was shaking. I thought she was going to die. I started thinking of life without her. “How am I going to live without her? Who will take care of the kid? Who will I run home to? Who will be on top of me playing with my beard?” At the hospital, anytime they mentioned a lab test, my heart skipped a beat. “What if I’d given her some incurable diseases? Oh God, forgive me and heal her. When she gets well, I swear I will never cheat again.”

When I was thinking of how I was going to live my life without her, there was not a single instance where I thought about any of the girls I was dating and said, “Oh, if she dies, Comfort is there. I will marry her and continue life from there.” It never occurred to me so I told myself, “Why will I put my family at risk all because of my selfish needs? What’s the use? What don’t I get from my wife? What do these women bring to the table that my wife had already set?” I felt leaving them will make God have mercy on me and save my wife so right at the hospital I sent them a text, telling them I’ve seen the light so I no longer roll with the darkness. Those three girls have heard that before so they went hard on me, insulting my dignity and calling me a boy. One said, “I pity your wife for marrying a boy like you.”

My wife spent two weeks in the hospital before she came home. I took leave from work and stayed with her until she got fully fit. I said, “I’m sorry.” She asked, “For what?” I answered, “Sorry for going through all that. You must be hurting.” She smiled and within her smile, I found this voice that said, “Go and sin no more.”

My wife had been well. I’m back to my cheating ways.

At this point in my life, I’ve accepted that it’s not normal. It may be a generational curse or something because I don’t get it. Sometimes I want to call my father and ask if a woman cursed him when he was young and said that his first son would be a human dog. It’s beyond my understanding and strength. This is not a problem I can open up to anyone. I don’t even have friends that I will accuse of influencing me. So what is wrong with me? Can a man love his wife this much and still go out there behaving like…like….like…anyway.

Currently, I’m harnessing the strength of my remorse, hoping I can stay remorseful for the rest of my life. I don’t have anyone now. The feeling of remorse struck some few days ago so I gave up everything. I don’t intend to go back again but I’m aware of the evil that lives in me. When it strikes, I will fall and go after five different women again. I’m tired. Is there any help out there for someone like me? Something I can do internally or physically to stop me from embarrassing my marriage and putting my family at risk? I still go home on time so why can’t I keep the rest of the promise?