What They Did to Me , How Can I Let It Go?

I’m the youngest among my cousins, and there’s a significant age gap between us. The cousin closest in age to me is 7 years older, while the oldest cousin is 26 years older. During my childhood, I didn’t have a close relationship with them because of the age difference. I would often spend time with my parents, grandma, or aunts at family gatherings to avoid being alone.

One aunt, J, who is my dad’s oldest and favorite sister (70F), was also my favorite. Since she didn’t have children of her own, she took on a motherly role and provided a place for my older cousins to stay during their college years and early adulthood. She lived closer to the metropolitan area, which made it more convenient for them.

I recognize the privilege of having a free and comfortable place to live while I was struggling to pay for college. My older cousins have fond memories of the fun times they had with Aunt J and the strong bond they developed with her during that period. I eagerly awaited my turn for the same experience.

During my sophomore year of college, I was preparing to move in with Aunt J, excited about living together and nurturing a closer relationship. However, just before I was supposed to move in, I learned that she had a new boyfriend, D. At the time, D was working at a retail store and living about 20 minutes away from J.

A few weeks after I moved in, J decided that D should move in too, so they could spend more time together due to his challenging work schedule. Unfortunately, D and his dog were not fond of people, and the dog, in particular, took an instant dislike to me. Despite my efforts to befriend the dog by sitting with it, offering treats and toys, nothing seemed to work.

Eventually, I had to give up. The dog would bark whenever I moved from my bedroom, so I became adept at silently using the bathroom and leaving the house for class without making any noise, not wanting to upset J and D. This situation continued for about two years, as I would go home for winter and summer breaks, spending most of my time there only during the school term.

Then, one day while having dinner and watching “Hoarders,” D looked at me and asked when I would be moving out. Confused, I thought he was joking because I still had another year until graduation. My aunt looked at me guiltily and explained that they were planning to move that summer, as D wanted to live away from the city with no neighbors.

Their new location would be four hours away. I was stunned, feeling as though my world had been turned upside down. I’m a person who likes to plan everything meticulously, and it felt like all my plans had been shattered.

Living with J, I hadn’t formed as many close friendships as I might have if I had lived closer to campus, so I didn’t know where to turn for a new living situation. I remember going to my room and sobbing, overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty. The sense of security and safety I had felt was suddenly taken away. That day, I believe my relationship with my aunt suffered irreparable damage.

Fortunately, I was able to find a new living arrangement through a friend of a friend, but that period was extremely challenging for me. Additionally, I failed a calculus class (though I retook it and passed) and had a car accident (due to black ice, but thankfully I was unharmed) during that same period, which added to my stress and anxiety. It’s been five years, but the memories still bring tears to my eyes. Should I let go of these feelings? And if so, how can I do it?