My Boyfriend And His Wife Are In A Tug Of War Over Who Should File For A Divorce

He wrote his number on my documents for me in January 2019. I was applying for a job and he was part of the people in charge of the enlistment process. I saw his number but I didn’t call him. It was when I didn’t hear back from the job in March that I looked through my documents and found his number. When I introduced myself to him he asked, “Why didn’t you call me all this while? I would have helped you in the exams.” I told him, “I did my best in the exams. I just want you to push me so I can get the job.”

He said he would try and secure a position for me, and I was thankful. “So tell me about yourself,” he said after we finished talking about work. We talked about me, and then we talked about him. He said he had one child with a woman he was no longer in love with. He assured me that he was providing for his child, and that he visited them whenever he could. I said, “That’s good then.” I was twenty and quite impressionable.

As time passed, we talked more. And eventually, he proposed love to me. I liked him but the main reason I accepted him was because of the job. I figured it would be easier for him to get me a job if I was his girlfriend, than if I wasn’t. We didn’t live in the same region so our relationship was long-distance.

Everything we knew about each other, we learned through phone conversations. When I sensed that he was serious about me, I introduced him to my mother. They spoke on the phone whenever I called him. During that period, things were very difficult for us at home. What to eat was even a problem. He was the one who was always giving us money to buy food.

Around June he told me he had been transferred to Accra, so I should visit him. When I got there he didn’t take me home. Rather, he took me to a guesthouse. It was on my second visit that he took me to his house. I noticed that there were so many things there, for a single man. Some were covered.

When he went to work the next day I went through those things and saw dresses. I confronted him when he came back from work and he told me, “The truth is, I am married to the mother of my child but we are separated. Please, don’t leave me. We are in the process of getting a divorce.” Honestly, I felt like my hands were tied. I hadn’t gotten the job yet, and I didn’t have money. He was my provider so I kept quiet and stayed with him.

When I brought up the issue of work, he asked me to come to his workplace so he would introduce me to his boss. I did that and I was promised the job. While I waited to hear back on the job, I lived with him in Accra. One day he was away from home when his brother came to visit.

While we were talking the guy asked me, “Don’t you know that my brother is married?” I explained to him that his brother is separated. He just said okay.

After a while, I returned to Kumasi. Then in August, I got a call that I got the job. I was very happy. I packed my stuff and went to my boyfriend’s place. I was living with him while going to work and everything was moving on well. That was until he told me that he was traveling outside Ghana. “I don’t want you to live here alone with my brother so you have to move.” I agreed and he took me to my uncle’s place.

While he was away, we talked every day. He made promises of all the big things we would do when he returned. I think I was in a happy place with him until I received a disturbing phone call one day. It was from his wife. “I have heard about you,” she said, “If you don’t want trouble, stay away from my husband.” I hung up, called my boyfriend, and told him what happened.

A few minutes after our phone call, the woman called me again. This time she rained curses on me. So I blocked her.

Later, I found out that they didn’t have a child, they had two children instead. He said his wife was pregnant with the second child when he met me. I felt so hurt, and betrayed but I forgave him. That Friday, I went to his house to spend the weekend there. I was working that weekend so I didn’t stay throughout the days. I would leave in the morning and return at night.

On Sunday night, I returned from work to find a bag in the room. My heart skipped a beat. I didn’t even have time to process what was going on before three people entered the room. They were his wife, his sister, and his cousin. Two of these people slapped me back to back. It was one of the neighbors who came to rescue me. It was late in the night and raining but I passed through it and went back to my uncle’s place.

When I got home, I cried so much and called him to end the relationship. But he apologized and begged me not to leave him. He even told my parents about what happened and apologized to them too. He told them he would rent a place for me so they should talk to me on his behalf.

The next day he sent me money to go and look for a room. He told me, “When I come to Ghana, I will come and live with you.” I got the room and bought the things I needed. True to his words, he came to me when he came to Ghana.

After a week at my place, I persuaded him to go home and spend time with his children. So he packed all his things and left. Sometimes when I needed him, he would say his wife was not around so he had to watch the kids. I was the one who sent him away so I left him to do whatever he wanted to do.

He called me whenever he felt like it, but he consistently gave me money. One day I was there when he called me crying. This was the first time something like this was happening so I was concerned. He said, “My wife said she is pregnant but I know the child is not mine. I am going to kill myself.” After I consoled him, he said he was going to pack his stuff and return to my place. I asked about his children and he said his wife should keep them.

He came to live with me but once in a while, he went to visit his kids. One day he went to visit them but didn’t find them at home. His wife had left with them. Seeing as there was no one at home, he moved back home. Our relationship continued as though there was no drama going on with his marriage.

One morning I went to his house without telling him. And met a lady in his room. He introduced her as his cousin but I knew he was lying. We had an argument and he came to apologize. When I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore, he threatened me with a knife.

Another time we were arguing and this man told me, “If you dare leave me, I will kill myself. I don’t have anyone in my life anymore except you, so don’t leave me.” I couldn’t leave because of this.

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Currently, his wife has given birth to the third child. She said my boyfriend should file for a divorce. My boyfriend is also saying she should be the one to file for the divorce. Neither of them are willing to take the first step so technically, they are still in the marriage. Their families are at loggerheads because of this.

I’m ready to move on from him but this guy said he wants to marry me. He has threatened to end his life and mine if I try to leave him and marry someone else. He has traveled again but keeps sending me money and all the things I need.

Who Would You Choose, A Rich Man Or A Man Who’s Good In Bed?

Whenever we have arguments, he apologizes. Even when I am the cause of the problem, he would still apologize. He plans to come and perform my knocking rites when he returns to Ghana, so we can start the marriage process.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Is it possible to marry a man who is still married to his wife? My parents are asking me to make a decision so we can go by it. I don’t know if I should go ahead and do it or if I should stand my ground and leave him. I am so torn. What if he actually carries out his threats?

—Priscilla

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