Nineteen Years Later, He Is Still The One I Want

We were just kids when I first saw him. He had just entered our class accompanied by his two brothers and a teacher. He was a new student. A handsome boy, I observed. I believe I liked him instantly. I wanted to get close to him and become his friend. Romantic love was not in my vocabulary at that age so I did not have a name for what it was I felt for him. All I knew was my sudden urge to be close to a boy I had just met.

My friends must have seen the way I squirmed every time he got close to me. Or maybe they saw the way he also behaved around me. Somehow, they got the impression that we liked each other. They started teasing him that I was his girlfriend. They teased me too that he was my boyfriend. It made me shy and more uncomfortable around him but our mates just had more fun with that. Primary school kids tend to be mean like that.

When we got to JHS, my feelings for Anhel only intensified. I realized that every time I saw him my heart did a happy dance in my chest. I would put my hand on my chest in an attempt to calm it. I still didn’t understand what it was I felt for him. Except that, I felt pleasure whenever I was in his presence. Sometimes I would walk leisurely by his usual sitting place, just so I would see the one who made my heart glad.

Our connection didn’t end after junior high. We continued to keep in touch when we got to high school. I was in a single-sex school and so was he. However, it didn’t stop us from writing letters to each other. I was the most disciplined student in my school but I broke school rules just to talk to Anhel. I would hide people’s phones for them so I could use them to call him after preps. Sometimes I would finish my tests quickly so I would get to the dormitory early and spend some time talking to him. It was such a sweet feeling.

I knew then that I had fallen in love with him. He also talked and behaved as if he was in love with me. However, there was no declaration of love between us. We just enjoyed each other’s company.

The period when we had to wait for our results was one of the best moments in my life. We’d spend hours talking about sweet nothings. He knew exactly the right things to say to make me giggle. I also knew where to hit to warm his heart. That was how fluently we flowed every time we had to talk. When we had quarrels, it was because of my lack of appetite for food. I considered it a normal aspect of our juvenile relationship.

That was why I was surprised when his attitude toward me changed completely when we got to the university. I should add that we were in the same school. Wasn’t that the right time for us to get closer? Unfortunately, Anhel chose that time to ignore my calls and text messages. There was no quarrel or misunderstanding between us. He just went off. To date, I don’t know what I did wrong to deserve that treatment.

You wouldn’t know that I ever meant anything to him. On a few occasions, our paths crossed. Could you believe this guy looked away and pretended not to see me? There were times when we took the same courses. He never acknowledged my presence every time we met in class. I didn’t understand his actions then and I still don’t understand them now. On countless times I asked him, “What changed between us, Anhel? Did I offend you anyway? Tell me if I did, and I will apologize.” He didn’t answer me even once.

For the entire three years, we were in the same school, he didn’t talk to me. Then in the fourth year, I transferred to another school. One day he texted me out of the blue. I was surprised but my curiosity was even stronger. “What did he want?” I wanted to know. I asked him but he offered no explanations for ghosting me, neither did he bring apologies. But love forgives. Besides, I find it difficult to hold a grudge, so I took him back as a friend with open arms.

Although he was regularly texting me in an attempt to rekindle our friendship, there were boundaries I made sure he didn’t cross. I knew he had moved on with someone else so I wanted to protect myself. That’s what I had been doing for the past five years, making sure he doesn’t mess with my head and confuse my emotions.

The boundaries I enforced were working effectively until something happened recently. Anhel encountered some difficult times and I had to be there for him as his friend. I couldn’t do that from a safe distance so now we are close again. I don’t understand why all roads keep leading back to him; even the ones I take to forget him.

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When we got close again, it was as if he never left. All those beautiful memories I had of him came rushing back to me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about his warm hugs, his gentle touch, his knee-jerking smiles, the way his voice always engulfed me in desire for him, and the sweet compliments he always gave me. Everything about him makes my heart feel at home. It’s a feeling I cannot contain in mere words. One must experience it to understand.

Sometimes when I think about us, I am convinced Anhel was the man for me but I messed it up unknowingly. It also makes me think there’s just this one person who is meant for you, and that when you miss the opportunity to be with that person, it’s never the same with anyone else.

I Didn’t Tell Anybody Because I Enjoyed It

I haven’t met anyone yet who makes me feel as alive as he does. I have tried to fall in love with others but they don’t do it for me. It’s not as though he has any extraordinary physical traits, but there’s this peace I feel when I’m with Anhel. It’s like I am experiencing heaven on earth. This is what makes my heart want to stay with him forever.

However, I know it’s not possible to be with him. He has someone now. So it is my hope that just as he has moved on, I too will find someone who makes my heart merry.

—Anhel’s Forever Friend 

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