I Have Spent $3000 On Him Yet He Calls Me Selfish

I want to start this by saying that I love my boyfriend. We’ve been together for five years and my love for him has not faltered in any way. He too has always stayed by my side and showed me unconditional love. Honestly, I never experienced this level of genuine love in any of my past two relationships. He flaunts me in a way that says, “You are my joy and pride.”

In as much as I also tell people how much I appreciate him, I fumble when it comes to his accomplishments. He is a good man who has not had it easy in life at all. He is twenty-eight but he is currently in his third year in the university, all because he didn’t have the right support when he needed it.

Most of his relatives live abroad. Some of them are also celebrities. It appears his mother is the poor one among them. I didn’t think it should be hard for the rich ones to push him, but that is what is happening. It’s hard for me to understand, considering that I come from a poor family. But I got all the support I needed from my mother who is a single mother, and all our other relatives who didn’t have wealth at their disposal. They made me who I am today, so I don’t understand why my boyfriend’s family don’t do the same for him.

When I met him his life was in shambles. He felt pressured to succeed, with no support system and direction for his future. He even ended up spending some time in the psych ward because of this pressure. All he needed was someone who would believe in him and push him. I became that person for him.

I was his friend for almost two years, supporting him and encouraging him. I had a crush on him right from the moment I met him but he didn’t know it. It was after he started getting grounded that our friendship transitioned into a relationship.

While I was working, he struggled to get a job. I supported him the best way I could, and we kept our financial troubles between us. People saw us and admired our relationship but they didn’t know our struggles. Things were bad until we decided to start a business together. It was risky but I had faith in him. Building a business from scratch is no easy feat but we made it work.

Most of our customers are online followers. They know we are a couple and they like that. We have been in people’s faces, working hard and making smart moves. And this is one thing we are both proud of that we achieved as a couple.

Unfortunately, things have been rough for the past year. The business is a little slow and my boyfriend and I are constantly fighting about money. It all started when I left the country for an entrepreneurship pitch last year. I am not done with that project but I have taken advantage of the opportunity to further my education. Ever since I left, I have been supporting my boyfriend financially.

I send him money to do things for the business, and also for his upkeep. I have also paid his school fees. I am revealing details about our finances because it appears to be the chore of all our problems. For someone who is not financially independent, he doesn’t manage his finances well. When I tell him this, he calls me selfish.

I just want him to do things right so that we won’t be left with regrets. But he doesn’t seem to understand anything I say. My policy is, “If you want to be the best or get better, just go the extra mile by doing what 99% of people are not doing.” By encouraging him to do this, he thinks I am being a perfectionist. I am not perfect, but some of the losses we incurred wouldn’t have happened if he had just listened to me.

For instance, he used some of our company’s properties in his home. His friends visited him and messed it all up. Now, we have to get new ones with money from the business. As if that’s not enough, he involves these same friends in some of our business deals. And they mess it up. I can count the number of times a contract went well while his friends were involved.

There was a time, I sent him GHC3000 to get some supplies. This guy left the money in his room for one of his friends to steal. I was so pained but I had to send him another GHC3000 to get the thing done. Can you imagine how frustrating it must be for me to sacrifice my comforts for our future, only for him to handle things so callously? All this would have been prevented if had listened to me when I told him his friends won’t help him.

In this hard economy, he got a job last year but he was not paid for four months. The person who employed him is his relative. He gave his best to the job but they told him he is a trainee so he won’t be paid. I was the one sending him money for transportation to work. At the end of the day, he didn’t have time for our business. I also wasn’t happy that he was being used for free. So I suggested, “Why don’t you quit the job? I will pay you GHC2000 every month so that you can focus your time and skills on growing our business.” That’s how I started sending him money every month for his upkeep.

The initial agreement was GHC2000. I would send it and he would spend everything in less than three weeks and ask for more. There have been instances where I’ve sent him over GHC4000 to spend in just a month. I don’t know what he uses his money for but I feel he can do better. Sometimes he would send me screenshots of his monthly expenses to prove that he is not misusing money, but I don’t agree with him on most of the things he does.

He buys food for his friends and relatives who already have money. Sometimes, he would buy random things to gift people he loves out of goodwill. It’s nice that he is a generous person. But shouldn’t he wait till he starts making his own money to do all that? A couple of times, he invested a little of what I sent him in Bitcoin.

He made some money and surprised me with food and clothes. They were delivered to my address. It was a very sweet and romantic gesture, but I didn’t think it was necessary considering our current financial status. I’m much more concerned about stabilizing our business so he can be financially independent. “You need to make money before you start spending money on comfort,” I would say. This is our bone of contention.

Anytime he calls me selfish when we fight, I also remind him that things fall apart when he refuses to listen to me. He feels insulted when I say this, and things escalate. The other day, we argued so badly that he smashed his phone. This is the third time he’s done this. I also got angry and encouraged him to smash his laptop, burn all his belongings, and end his life, if destroying things is how he wants to express his anger.

After the fight, I wish I hadn’t said all the things I said. I wish I had remained calm when he was angry. He tried to calm me down but I was in so much pain because of all the losses we incurred because of his behaviour. Our business is collapsing because of it. How can I be calm when all this is happening?

He’s a God-fearing person but about five weeks ago, he talked to me about going for blood money so he can be okay financially. Another time, he told me he wish he was dead so he wouldn’t have to deal with life. He believes he will lose me even though I have assured him that I am not going anywhere. He used to say that I motivate him but now he doesn’t.

When he talks to me, I listen. All I ask is that he also listens to me. I know his destiny isn’t in my hands but my biggest fear is leaving him to fail. I’m also scared that all the emotional and financial stress toward building our relationship and business will be a waste. Apart from our disagreement when it comes to finances, everything else is perfect.

With all the problems we are facing, he has told me, “I wish you were back home so that we can run this business together. I think he finds it hard to keep going because I’m not around. I love him, and I want to make things easier for him, but it seems we are always at an impasse when it comes to money.

I have spent $3000 on him alone since I travelled. Yet he believes I am selfish when I tell him to manage money properly. Is he right? Am I selfish? Am I too hard on him? I have been so honest and vulnerable with this write up so please don’t insult me. I just want to know whose fault it is that we are both in so much pain. I also want to know if this relationship is something I should keep holding on to, or if I should let him go and set both of us free. Please be kind with your advice.