He Believes Financial Responsibilities Should Be Shared But Domestic Roles Are For The Wife

I was raised by my uncle and his wife. Although they faced financial struggles, my uncle’s wife was a hardworking woman. She knew how to spin thread into gold. She took care of the home when my uncle’s strength failed. Even when his strength did not fail, she played her part in ensuring we didn’t lack anything. That’s one thing I learned from her. To work hard for everything you want to achieve.

When my uncle lost his job, things became more difficult. I sold all kinds of things to help support the home. Through my struggles, I made friends with a boy who was in the same compound we lived in. We were both thirteen. This guy bullied all the kids in our house and neighbourhood except me. He was kind to me. And I liked him because of that.

As the years went by, I went through a lot of changes. However, one thing that remained constant was my friendship with S.K. After I completed JSS, I went to secondary school on a government scholarship. Then I gained free admission to one of the public universities in Ghana. I knew where I was coming from, and where I wanted to go, so I took my books seriously. That’s why I excelled in all my studies. I graduated with a first class.

Two years after I completed school, I got a job close to where I grew up and rented a room in the same house my uncle lived in. That was when I started dating my childhood crush, S.K.

He treated me like gold. He had been there for me so many times so I felt safe around him. All the adults who saw our love testified to its truth. They would call me and say, “Didi, the way S.K loves you is pure and gentle. Don’t ever lose that.” I also saw it for myself. This is someone who wouldn’t eat until I was done with my chores. Then we would eat together. He bought me cosmetics with the little he had although he was in school. His love for me was there for anyone who had eyes to see.

Along the line, I got another job. A better one. So we decided to get married. It came with a lot of family drama from his side. I thought his grandma and aunties loved me until we started talking about marriage. They objected to it. But luckily, his parents stood by their son’s choice and we got married gracefully.

We had plans for our lives together. Most of which involved money. So we started saving. When we got enough, we bought plots of land. It was his uncle who helped as acquire the land. After the purchase, my husband told me, “Didi, my uncle has advised that we don’t disclose our plans to anyone.” I nodded and kept my mouth shut. The next thing I knew, I overheard him talking to someone on the phone about us. He told the person on the other end, “I have acquired some land. The documents are even here.” I quickly went to stand in front of him and signaled him not to tell anyone about it but he didn’t mind me. Rather, he added, “Didi helped me a little.” A little? It was fifty-fifty.

The land issue aside, we saved enough to buy a car. Again, my husband reminded me that we should not disclose our plans to anyone. My father-in-law visited and my husband told him our plans and even showed him pictures. The old man was so proud of his son that he went about telling people our business. I didn’t tell my family but they found out and asked me about it. The annoying thing is, I contributed sixty percent of the cost but my husband made it look like it was all his money. I was upset but I let it go.

As time went on, I took a loan from work and added my savings to it. Everything added up to GHC100,000. I then researched a lucrative business we could invest in. I discussed my plans with S.K, “Dear, if we put our best into this business we will never lack. You are the head of this family so manage it, and I will be your secretary.”

Initially, he was skeptical but he bought into the idea after he had discussions with his friends. The first month went well. The next month I asked that we audit the accounts but he said we should wait for a few days. I asked why and he answered, “I borrowed something from the business. I want to pay it back before we do it.” I said okay. This continued month after month. We never did any audits. I got angry and disappointed. We had misunderstandings because of it but he didn’t budge.

One day I was cleaning our room when I saw a chequebook of an account. It was from the bank I saved with but it wasn’t mine. The details were his. I asked him and he told me he opened an account for the business. “You opened an account for our business in your name? Why wasn’t I informed? We have to go back and change the details to a joint account,” I demanded. This man gave me one excuse after another. It was then I realised he was squandering the money from the business.

I told him to lend me some of the money so we continue our building. We used the savings to start the foundation. He parted with one-third of the capital. That’s it. The business has collapsed and I didn’t get a dime from it. I am still paying off the loan from my salary.

As our family got bigger, one car was no longer enough for us. He mostly drove it. So I went and got a good deal to import a smaller car. I asked him for just GHC1500 to top up what I have. He didn’t even give me GHC100. Regardless, I cleared the car and it became another car for him to drive.

He didn’t contribute any money for us to continue our building. I roofed it. I took care of the doors and burglar proof. When I finished I suggested, “Rent is now expensive so let’s move to our new home. While we are at it, we should buy a car that can take us up and down the hill.” He wasn’t interested. He said we both have cars so there was no need to buy an SUV. “The roads are bad and we have kids. It’s not safe for us to transport them in the small cars so let’s sell one of the cars and buy the SUV.” He still refused.

His mother always tells him he is lucky to have a Godfearing and supportive wife so he should act right but he doesn’t listen. The only thing he does is give me money for upkeep monthly. For every other cost, we split it. Sometimes he even borrows money from me and doesn’t pay back.

Despite his disinterest, I sold my car and imported an accident SUV. When it arrived, I bore all the cost for repairs. He didn’t lift a finger to help till it was ready. I asked him to pick it up and he had time to do that. I was pregnant with our third child and couldn’t drive so it became his personal car. He parked the one he refused to sell.

Currently, I am home. I haven’t resumed work yet but he came to tell me that he was overwhelmed with expenses so I should help him. Meanwhile, he still borrows money from me and doesn’t pay it back.

Nowadays, I don’t have money like I used to. The economy is hard and huge monies don’t acquire huge things like they did in the past. He complains about money all the time. I borrow money from my mother sometimes. His mother also sends us foodstuffs. That’s what keeps us going.

We wouldn’t be in need if we managed our finances well. That’s something my husband doesn’t want to accept. When he asked me to help him financially take care of the home I was hurt. What else am I supposed to do as a wife to help him?

If anything, he is the one who doesn’t help with house chores. He is always watching TV or on his phone. I don’t remember the last time we had a conversation about us. He has not even touched me in five months. He uses the baby as an excuse but I know him enough to know it’s not true. The farthest he can go without shuperu is six weeks. So how can he stay away for five months?

Recently, he suggested that we should get a divorce unofficially, so he could do contract marriage and travel abroad. Unfortunately, he cannot afford the cost and I also don’t have the money to support him. Even if I could, I am not sure I would. This is someone who cheated on me when he got a job and had to travel to another country for four weeks. What won’t he do when he relocates to another country?

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Unlike him, everything I do is for us. I save and I use it on us. So I got angry when he said I don’t help him. I even took my car keys from him. I want us to address our problems but he doesn’t want to. I am so tired. I don’t feel loved by him anymore. He would be in the hall and I would go sit with him, only for him to move to the bedroom. He doesn’t even sleep next to me anymore.

The only time he is nice to me is if he wants money. If I told him I didn’t have money, he wouldn’t accept it. He would talk and talk until I gave it to him. When it comes to financial responsibilities, he believes they should be shared but when it comes to domestic responsibilities, he leaves it all to me. All the things we acquired as a couple are for him and not us. Even the ones I contributed to.

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I am not painting myself as a saint, but I am not a bad person. I love my husband. I need us to be close and plan our future together. I have my flaws but I am not that bad. I am reasonable and ready to work so my marriage becomes great but I can’t do it alone. After all, we are two people in it.

I thought I would feel better after taking my keys from him but I feel bad. I thought he would sober up for us to talk about things but nothing has changed. I envisioned a beautiful marriage but things are ugly now. We have three beautiful children and a home that appears happy on the outside but I am not happy. I feel so unappreciated in my home. Does it get better? Most importantly, will things ever change for good? My heart is so heavy.

—Didi 

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