I met Ronny at the university. We were coursemates with the same majors. One day we were having a group discussion on marriage and he proposed to me there and then. He said, “You and I, we share the same views on marriage so we should start our own family.” I didn’t think he was serious so I laughed. We were sitting in class when he texted me. He wanted to know more about me. We had a chat about our likes and dislikes and other related stuff.
After a month of talking and texting, he asked, “Can I visit you?” I said yes. I lived in a rented apartment off-campus and he lived on campus. I invited him over to my place one weekend. When he came we talked and watched movies and bonded. One thing led to the other and we made love. That day he spent the night with me. The next morning, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes.
Our relationship started off great. We kept doing everything we were doing as friends. We did our assignments together and always had deep conversations.
School went on Christmas break in December 2018. That was when I found out that I was pregnant. It was a month after we had intimacy. We were on break and I couldn’t reach him so I couldn’t tell him about the baby. I was in school but I decided to keep it. I didn’t hear from him even in January 2019. I was supposed to start an internship so I did. On my first day on the job, I lost the baby. It is one of my worst days ever. There was blood everywhere and I was in unbearable pain. I called him but I couldn’t reach him. I sent him voicemails and text messages telling him everything that happened.
At the end of January, he showed up at my place. He couldn’t talk, he just hugged me and stared at me silently for a long while. When he finally spoke, he said he was sorry; “It’s all my fault. I should have been there for you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” I said, “Yes you’re right. You should have been there for me.” He told me losing the pregnancy has taken a toll on him so he needed therapy. After his visit, he went back to school and I resumed my internship. He went silent on me for the whole month of February. I heard from him in March and it was as if nothing had happened. He didn’t acknowledge his one month of absence, let alone offer any explanations. In April he finished his studies and went back home. Our relationship became a long-distance one but I hoped that everything would be fine.
He started replying to my texts late and missing my calls. The more I tried the further he pulled away. When we entered May, I couldn’t reach him anywhere. He resurfaced in August with reasons and excuses. He said, “I’m sorry for the long silence. My grandfather was really sick. He was partly paralyzed and we had to rush him to India for treatment. In the end, he didn’t make it. His death has cut me deeply so I will need a little space to deal with it.”
I gave him the space he needed but he started acting insecure. He accused me of cheating on him. He said, “Tell me the truth. While I was getting medical care for my grandpa, you were cheating on me.” He didn’t believe anything I said and he stopped talking to me until our graduation.
After we graduated everyone went their own way. He started working and I went back to school to further my studies. He texted me twice a week and only called once in a while. Our relationship suffered this poor communication until 2020 when the Covid-19 pandemic shut the world down. Maybe it was the fear and reminder of our mortality that pricked his conscience. He came to visit me with apologies and promises on his lips. He said he would do better with his communication. He promised not to go silent on me again. I loved him and I wasn’t willing to let him go. I swallowed all his promises and apologies with a hungry heart. We did shuperu before he left.
In March 2020 I found out that I was pregnant for the second time. I was terrified of what would happen if I lost another pregnancy. To avoid disappointment, I booked an appointment at a local clinic and got rid of it. I didn’t tell Ronny about it.
Kenya went on lockdown like some parts of the world and I didn’t hear from him throughout that time. When the lockdown was lifted, he visited me and we talked and planned our future. We discussed the number of kids we would have and the kind of house he would build for me. That was in September 2020. We had another round of shuperu and that one also led to another pregnancy. Third time they say is a charm, so I decided to keep it. I hoped this one would stay but I lost it. I didn’t tell him about it. I only told my mother and my sister. They were my support system. I was worried that if I told Ronny he would go silent on me again. We were in a good place so I pretended everything was fine so it would stay that way.
We talked every day via text, phone calls, and video calls. He became the kind of boyfriend I always wanted him to be. I started enjoying our relationship and our love. He wouldn’t sleep without talking to me. It was nice. He continued being the perfect boyfriend until March 2021. There was no communication between us until May. When he resurfaced I asked him, “Why did you ghost me again? I thought you said you wouldn’t do it again.” He answered, “I was in a bad mood and I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.” I wasn’t happy with him and I let him know.
After that conversation, I didn’t hear from him till July. This time I cried my heart out to him. I told him his attitude was hurting me. That was when I told him about the miscarriage. “I couldn’t even tell you because I was afraid you would disappear on me again. That’s how bad your actions affect me.” He apologized and told me everything would be fine.
In August I was done with my studies and I got a job at home. I decided to move back home and take the job. Ronny didn’t agree with me. He said the distance was too far from him but I stood by my decision. That was the last time I heard his voice on the phone. He has not texted me again either. I put all my chips into this relationship. I don’t have a plan B if it doesn’t work out. Ronny is my plan A-Z so I don’t know if I should wait for him to come around or if I should move on.
My other question is, is it normal for a guy to continually ghost someone they say they love?