Why Some Husbands Never Change. They Only Change Tactics- Woman Narrates

Why Some Husbands Never Change. They Only Change Tactics- Woman Narrate.


One day after work, I called my husband to the table. He saw the many documents in my hands and asked me, “Is someone suing you?” I said, “I just want to show you something. Please sit and let’s talk.” I showed him my payslip. I said, “This is what I earn every month. I’ve been earning this same amount for the past two years. No increment. See this document too. That’s my bank account details. Do you see what’s left? I’m almost at zero. I’m not trying to complain here. I’m only trying to let you know my whole worth so you’ll understand it when I say I don’t have money. It’s so unfortunate that my mother’s health keeps getting worse. You helped me the other time and I’m grateful. I’m also happy that I’ve been able to pay back the loan I took for her health. This is a cry for help. You’re in a good position to do more. I’m not saying it’s going to be permanent. I’m trying to look for other opportunities that will bring me money. When I grow, you’ll know. I’ll take back the responsibilities I gave you.”

He sat there quietly, listening to every detail of my struggle. After my long explanation, he asked me, “If you think you’re not earning much, then do something extra that will bring you money. You can’t keep using your mother’s health as an excuse. We are your family too and we also need your support. You can’t leave everything on me. That’s not what we agreed on from the beginning.” I asked him, “What other things do you think I can do to raise more money? I’m ready to learn.” He said, “Other women are on the street selling to make more income to help the house. You can do the same too.” I said, “Yes I can do the same too. So I’m looking for something I can sell on weekends. Will you take care of the kids while I’m away on weekends selling?”

He was quiet. I repeated the question, “Will you?” He said, “Must you go out to sell by all means? You can start selling around the house. When it gets bigger, you can get a shop where the kids can come around. You know I can’t stay home all weekend. There are things I take care of on weekends too.” I told him, “You’re not ready to help me but it’s ok. Just take care of what I said. I will find a way through my situation very soon.”

I’m not a lazy woman. He knows that. I can work from dawn to dusk if I have to. It’s the reason why I was able to raise enough money to help with our wedding and also help with housekeeping. I used only a month to learn how to make cakes and food decorations. My idea was to take orders during the week and work on them on weekends. I started with a friend’s wedding and it went very well. I had a lot of people asking about my location and how they could contact me. I was happy. I knew something great was going to come out of it. After taking three or four orders, he told me he’s starting weekend school. I asked, “When?” He said, “This weekend?” I asked, ”How? When did you apply and when did you get admitted?” He said, “This one too I should have asked permission from you?”

“But that’s not fair? You know I’ve started something on weekends so if anything at all we should have discussed it so I know what to do.” He said, “My life can’t stall just because you want to grow your life. I need education and I’m getting it. You can send the kids to your mother on weekends.”

He knew my mom had been sick for months and it wasn’t possible for her to take care of the kids. His parents also don’t live in the town we live so it wasn’t possible to send the kids to his parents. I got broken. I had a huge order one weekend so I called my mom. She said, “Bring them.” I knew it would be hard for her to handle them but I had to risk it. After serving at the program, I rushed to my mom’s place around 9pm to find the kids sleeping while my mom was sitting outside waiting for me. I broke down and cried. She said, “That’s how hard marriage is when you marry a selfish man. See the holes in your cleavage. I’ve been sick for a while now but I don’t have such holes in mine. Don’t kill yourself and leave the kids behind. The man will marry again before the first anniversary of your death.”

I asked, “So mom, what do you want me to do?” She said, “I can’t tell you what to do. I raised you to know what to do.” I slept in my parents’ house that night. In the morning, I bathed the kids and said goodbye to my mom. She said, “I’m praying for you but learn to help yourself too because heavens help those who help themselves.”

I stopped going around looking for orders because it was hard to work on them. I was receiving small-small orders from friends and other people who knew me. If it isn’t big, I can work on them whiles the kids are asleep. My husband started counting my money even before I had them. In his mind, I’m taking orders so money was coming. He developed a different excuse. When you ask him for money for anything he will tell you, “I’m a student. I’m paying fees and buying books. I don’t have money.” So I paid the fees of the kids when it’s due. I pay electricity and water bill because according to him, I use those utilities more than he does. “You use a lot of water when you get those your orders. You stay up all night working on orders, wasting electricity. If they cut water and electricity right now, who will be more affected?”

I called his parents and complained to them. My husband got mad at me and didn’t speak to me for almost a week. He said he’s not a kid that I will complain about him to his parents; “You told them lies so they could come here and beat me or what? You think I’m a kid?” Apart from my husband getting angry and scolding me, his parents did nothing about it. Everything remains the same as I write this. I’m someone’s daughter. My mother looks up to me when her health dives down. My kids solely rely on me to get by. When they sleep on the floor and I don’t pick them up, they’ll remain there until the next morning.

Our rent is due again this December. He asked me, “When are you bringing your half?” I said, “I don’t have money.” He said, “I knew you’ll say that. What do you do with your money? You’ve had a lot of orders these few months. What do you do with the money?” I said, “I paid for water and paid for electricity. I paid fees for our kids and bought clothes for them. You ate what I cooked but didn’t pay for it. All the times you told me you were a student, it was my money that made this house a home. House your family. That’s what men do.”

He said I’d insulted him. He said I’ve called him a woman. He said I’ve disrespected him and his ancestors so I don’t qualify to be his wife. “I regret marrying you. If I married a helpful wife, by this time I would have built a mansion and not rented. We shall see.” I had no one to talk to but my mom. She said, “Your room is still empty. Don’t allow anyone to intimidate you with shelter. You own this house too.”

I’m not fighting with him but from all indications, he’s fighting with me. I don’t know what he’s planning. Maybe he’ll pay. Maybe he’ll not pay. Whichever way it goes, I’ll not be intimidated this time. When push comes to shove, I will go back home and live with my mom. I will help her take care of her health so she can be in the position to look after my kids while I work on weekends to take care of us. He didn’t marry a lazy woman. He only learned to break a strong woman down so he can have the power to bark at an already broken woman.

Men like my husband are just scared to see their wives successful, I’ve grown to understand. They are able to flex their manly muscles only when their wives rely on them for everything. That’s why he’s doing everything to put me down so he can be on top all the time, shouting orders. I’ve seen the trick but I’m not fighting for power. He had that power right from the start. Power to decide the direction of the marriage. Power to tell me to lie down and I would. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to use that power lovingly. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to push me around with love. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to bark at me with affection and care. He’s only pushing me away and the sad thing is I’ve learned to move away anytime he barks because that’s what he wants.

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