We Are Engaged To Marry Soon But There’s Another Guy I’m Looking At Because- Lady Narrates
I’m engaged to be married to my college sweetheart. I am not here looking for “congratulations” and “I wish you all the best”. I dread the future that awaits me if I go ahead and marry Felix, my fiancé. It isn’t that I don’t love him, that would have made my choice easier. I love him so dearly thoug
h even though it comes with a price. A price I pay daily. A price I pay for loving him. Loving him may be the end of me but it looks like I can’t turn back the hands of the clock now.
We fell in love two and a half years ago. From the moment we met, he made it clear that he was going to marry me. We were in school, and the future was uncertain but I believed him. He let everyone know that I was his. I met his family, and he met mine. “I have a man,” I told myself. “A man I can be proud of.” Some relationships were born and bred in secrecy. I had a relationship that was flourishing in the eyes of everyone who cared to see. Tell me why I shouldn’t be proud of the man I have in my life.
But there was a catch. Every rose has its thorns. Felix has his jealous tendencies. But it wasn’t a problem for me from the start because a jealous boyfriend meant something beautiful in my eyes. I had come to believe that men show love by being possessive. Possessive because they are not willing to share you with anyone. So, I found it as an expression of love whenever he showed his jealous teeth. When he went berserk smiled. When he saw me smiling at another man and he went gaga, I found it sexy. “Damn he loves me so much. See how I bring the worse in him.”
After a while, things got worse. At first, he asked questions like, “Why were you smiling at that guy?” He stopped asking questions. He made statements that would hurt me. Statements like; “I’ve realized you enjoy the attention you get from these men. You might be cheating already and it’s already a slut who will do that.” His anger was way out of hand. I didn’t find it cute like I used to. He was in beast mode and that was scary.
In order not to provoke him, I made drastic changes to my life. I cut off communication with most of my male friends. If I went out, and a boy smiled at me, just to be polite, I frowned and looked away. I wouldn’t even encourage conversations with the opposite sex, in case he was somewhere watching me. I know I sound paranoid, but he seemed to know my every move including when someone flirts with me, or when someone was just being playful. I felt like he had spies everywhere. This has gone on for so long I’ve grown used to it.
He asked me to marry him. I expected a grand proposal of some sort but it didn’t happen that way. We were having a conversation one day when he said it. He took my hand in his and said “I told you I was going to marry you right from the moment we met. I meant it. We are both done with school and officially adults. Why don’t we start preparing for marriage? My family will come and see yours officially, for the knocking ceremony. We will start checking things off the marriage list, go for counseling, fix a date, and do it.” Wow. He planned everything to the smallest detail. He didn’t ask us to do this together, he told me his plans, and my roles, and I nodded. I am 26, yet he treated me like a teenager, who couldn’t be trusted to take part in adult decisions. And he is only three years older than me. I wasn’t happy about this, but I’m supposed to be lucky, isn’t it? I’m getting married. Hurray!
The knocking ceremony took place without a hitch. The families had been involved with each other for a while. He has bought everything on the marriage list. But I am not looking forward to my wedding with glee. I am apprehensive. Yes, I know about his anger issues and his temper tantrums. I have been at the receiving end of his verbal and emotional abuse. I got used to it and I was comfortable with it enough to still want to marry him. But things took a dark turn in August, and I am not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him anymore.
It doesn’t help matters that the embers of love that once warmed our hearts have gone cold. Communication has been as hard as a draught. He wants me to feel responsible for what happened between us, but I refuse to be manipulated into blaming myself for his abusive behavior. Not this time. I let his verbal assaults slide, even though he never felt a shred of remorse for those moments. Think of all the worst things a person could be called, he’s called me those. I endured it in the name of love, and the promise of marriage. At some point, I had to draw a line. And I drew the line when he physically assaulted.
What happened? I was in his room, going through my phone and smiling at WhatsApp conversations. He didn’t like it, so he snatched my phone away from me. He wanted to catch a cheating girlfriend. Unfortunately for me, that was the day I jokingly replied to a friend’s status “my love”. He didn’t demand any explanations. One look at him, and I knew was going to face the worse. He beat me black and blue. He refused to give back my phone and tried to kick me out. I didn’t leave.
Now, I’m looking back at all the times he lost control of his senses. I’m seeing clearly the extent to which he has abused me, and I want to call off the wedding. The thought of marrying him frightens me. Sometimes I complain about his anger issues to his family, and they all attest to the fact that he has a bad temper. “That’s how Felix has always been.” His mother would say, “be patient with him my dear. He will change.”
My own mother and younger sister don’t say anything helpful. All they say is “Whatever happened, let it go. Ignore him when he insults you. He is a man. You are a woman. Tame him. Mold him into the kind of man you want.” I’ve seen enough to know that they are wrong.
I met a guy recently, at a wedding. I was the maid of honor and he was the best man. I had my eyes on him throughout the event. I liked what I saw. While everyone was drawn into the jubilation and cheer of the moment, he was unmoved. His display of self-control was a breath of fresh air comparing it to Felix. I saw how he looked at me, and it was obvious he liked what he saw too. But he seemed really shy, so I decided the mountain had to go to Mahomet. I left the dance floor and took my seat beside him. I smiled. I said hello. We hit it off. It was so easy to talk to him. I smiled and laughed. Something I hadn’t done for so long. For once, I didn’t look over my shoulder. I got lost in my conversation with him. He revealed he is in his early thirties, and he is ready to settle down. He was so polite in the way he addressed me. I didn’t know a courteous man could be such a turn-on. He asked me out, and I was happy to say yes.
The date was normal, nothing fancy. We went to a quiet restaurant, so we wouldn’t run into anyone I know. We started off with light conversations and proceeded to delve deeper. He sounds really mature, and from everything he said, I know he would make a good husband. He is not deterred by the fact that I am engaged.
We are in touch, and we talk often. He has made plans about the future that involve me.
I went to my mother; “Mama, I met someone, and I know he is good for me. I can’t marry Felix.” My mother only said “Don’t disgrace me. How are we supposed to return the drinks his family brought to us? Talk to Felix, and patch things up with him. Even if it is not your fault, apologize to him. He is the one you will marry.”
The truth is, I have gotten attached to this new guy, and I want to see where things go with him. I am no longer interested in marrying Felix. Isn’t there a saying in our dialect that goes “Wosuro aware gyae a, wonnya aware pa?” Which translates; “If you’re scared of divorce, you won’t get a good marriage.”
I’m in a dilemma, and I am also very afraid. What do I do?
Whom do I choose?