My Boyfriend Said We Can’t Live Together In The Same House When We Marry Because- Woman Narrates
I met Silvestre in 2017, he was a young auditor from our head office who came to our branch to perform auditing services. I was assigned to him to give him all the necessary assistance he might need to be able to perform his work. After work the very first day, he asked me, “What’s the most affordable hotel around town?” So, I went with him in his car, looking around for a place he could sleep for the entire period of the audit. We had a room late in the evening. He said his thanks and I left him there.
Just before I left him, he asked for my number and I gave it to him. Minutes after I got home, he called. “Ohemaa, are you in the house?” I said, “Yeah, I got home not too long ago.” He said, “Thanks a lot for the help. I appreciate it.” I said, “See you tomorrow.”
The next morning when he came, he brought me breakfast. We had a little chat before work started. After work, I escorted him to the hotel and it was at that point I realized something was building up between us.
He was very easygoing and had a sense of humor the size of the world. We talked and laughed like we’ve known each other for so long. Four days later, he was done with his work and was ready to leave. It was a Friday. He asked if I could go out with him on Friday night so he could leave the next morning. I told him, “Unfortunately, I have to go to church so that won’t be possible.” He left that afternoon to Accra and when he got to Accra, we spent all night and days talking to each other on phone every day.
One day he said, “Abi you koraa you’re single. I’m also single so why don’t we date?” I said, “If you’re asking me out, kindly do it properly and I may consider.” He said, “That’s exactly what I’m trying to do so tell me which one is the proper way and I’ll do it.” I said, “If you want a woman, you ask her out. You don’t suggest it to her. That’s rude.” So he said, “I find you exciting to be around with and I would wish to have you by my side for as long as we could hold on. Would you be my girlfriend?”
It sounded funny the way he said it so I laughed. I said, “Yes I would be your girlfriend if only it’s true that you’re single.” He said, “I’m as single as the single one in the lotto numbers.” Our love story began. I had issues with the distance between us but he said, “I love it that way. I don’t see you often so whenever I get the chance to see you, I would be very eager. Our love would always be fresh because we are always missing each other.”
We had a lot of video calls and sometimes stayed on video until one of us fell asleep. We were got clever with our distance problem. We did things that closed the gap between us. I went to the bath with the video on so he would watch me bath and go crazy. When I succeeded in putting him on the edge, he would drive all the way from Accra to come and see me the next weekend. It was fun. We felt like two kids in love. We didn’t know the depth of our love and how we could get to the bottom of it. Every day was an adventure. We never fought. We never had a disagreement or there wasn’t a day he said something that hurt my feelings. He thought the distance was working for us. He said, “I swear if we were living together, we might have fought a thousand times already.” I said, “I doubt it. If we were together, we would have been pregnant by now. That one I know for sure.”
Two years later, I got a transfer to Accra. There’s a secret he didn’t know. He thought I got transferred to Accra but the truth is, I pulled some strings so I could be with him. We had dated for two years and I thought we needed to stay closer together to experience another phase of our relationship. If we stayed closer together and I visited him often and spent a lot of days with him, then I would know him for who he was. If he was wearing a mask, with time and a little bit of closeness, the mask would fall off so I know who he was behind the mask.
I remember being very happy about the transfer but he was indifferent. He told me, “Seriously, I don’t know how to feel about it. You being close makes everything easier but I feel it would take some shine out of what we have. I will see you every day and it would be boring.” I said, “Silvester, just trust me. Your girlfriend is not a boring girlfriend and you know it. I will surprise you.”
I moved to Accra. I was at Haatso while he lived in Dansoman. We were closer than before but not so close enough to be able to see him every day. But every Friday after work, I packed my stuff, picked a car for Dansoman, and spent the weekend with him. We would cook together, do some cleaning and when we were tired, we would put some movie on and watch till maybe we fall asleep. Weekends were the best days of my life because of these little moments we spent together.
To me, it wasn’t enough. I wanted more of him but he felt it was ok.
Just last year, we started talking about marriage. He was all for it just as I was also all for it. Just when I thought we had everything figured out he said, “I don’t want us to live together when we marry.” I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “I don’t want to live in the same house with my wife. I prefer she lives somewhere and I also live somewhere else so we see each other once in a while.” I said, “Tell me you’re joking.” He said, “I proposed to you not only because you fit into the scheme of things. It was also because of where you were. The distance.”
“So you mean you will marry me but still live apart?” I asked. He answered, “Yes. I feel our marriage would last longer if we lived apart. That way, I will miss you often and always come to a woman who feels fresh and new. Trust me, I get bored with people easily. That’s my problem. Please understand me. We’ve done it when you were not in Accra and we can do it again.” I asked, “What about me? I like to be closer to the man I love. I love to wake up next to him every day so I can track the growth of our lives. I want to know my man inside and out, fight the troubles next to him and win with him next by my side. Living apart feels like going to the battle and leaving your shield behind. How does that work?”
He said calmly, “I know myself and I know what works for me. I pray you to understand me.” We had this argument somewhere in November last year. We never reached an agreement. We stopped talking about it believing one of us would change their mind and at the same time hoping we will not be the ones to change their mind. Because of this, we stopped talking about marriage. I speak to her mother on phone and she asks how far we’ve gone with preparation. One day I told her, “Ask Silvester, he knows what he’s doing.” She said, “When I talk to Silvester he says I should ask you. I’m asking you now and you’re also telling me to ask Silvester? You two don’t know what you’re doing?”
That was when I told her the demands her son was making of me. She said, “Agree with him and get married. After marriage, move in with him, and let’s see if he would sack you.” What she said sounded so good in the short term but I could foresee the long-term problems. So, I told her, “I will see what I can do.”
Last month we had this conversation again. He’s still at the same place he was the very first time. I haven’t changed my mind too. Because of that, both of us don’t know what next to do. Silvester is a very honest guy. Regardless of everything, I am glad he opened up to me the way he did so I know what to expect. But life has temptations. Living together, to me, would help avoid such temptations. That’s why I’m standing on my ground. I’ve given myself up to the end of June, if a compromise is not reached, I may have no option but to bow out.
But then I want to know from you, if you found yourself in this situation, what would you have done differently to win? Ultimately, I would like to spend the rest of my life with him but it’s difficult. His terms. Please help.